We are a society enmeshed with addiction. Look around its every where !!! Pubs, clubs, booze, drugs, gambling, internet use, shopping, food, porn, sex, work – the list goes on. Some are more obvious than others like picking up a drink every day is a tell tale sign you have a drink issue but with other addictions it is not always so clear. I call them the hidden addictions like codependency which is a term which can lead to a misunderstanding of the illness. Codependency in a nutshell means by my definition distracting yourself with people, places and things to avoid self for example rescuing others or wanting to be rescued. This brings me to love addiction which has its roots in codependency and for me is one of the most understated, misunderstood, hidden and least talked about addictions of all. The term can under play the severity and deadliness of this illness – it kills just the same as alcohol and drugs and actually is believed to have the worst withdrawal of any addiction.
Then we come to sex – a word many of us feel uncomfortable to say and talk about as its roots from religion are branded in shame and yet it is beautiful and natural when used in true love.
So how do we know when we are being healthy in our behaviours or when our sexual and emotional behaviour is heading towards addiction ?? Well in my book it is compulsion. When you can’t stop doing something that you want to stop. I will add, which is harming you, but the very fact you can’t stop something that you want too, is in essence, harming you. An example many love addicts find themselves in a dysfunctional relationship they can’t leave usually with another addict, usually substance or work addiction and no matter how bad it gets, can’t leave.. Another example of sex and love addiction is having affairs you can’t stop, watching and obsessing over porn and many other behaviours which take up much of your time, thoughts, energy, money and sanity. You will feel the cravings and when you stop and then need more than before. Addiction is a progressive disease – meaning it never gets better unless treated and even then it needs to be arrested a day at a time through working a recovery program.
Addiction is complicated. Some suffering with addiction can be multi-addicted which means they can have many addictions which swap around and move. I know people who use a substance or work to hide their sex and love addiction etc etc. so for some one who fears intimacy they can hide this with alcohol or work. With addiction you can act in or out. Acting out is overtly taking part in the addiction ie is using like meeting up with a sex partner. Acting in – is a way of avoiding and going to the other extreme and could play out as retreating and avoiding intimacy and relationships. This is termed sexual anorexia the same as the food addiction.
Love addiction can manifest where your obsessed with a person, place or thing which is the first thought on your mind when you wake up in the morning and probably the thing last at night (obsession). Some call it love but in the title of Dr Patrick Carnes book – Dont call it love – it is NOT love – its our brain chemicals. With substance addiction the addict uses drugs or alcohol in sex and love the addict uses people to get a high from the drama which in turn triggers the brain chemicals. It works on self medicating from brain chemicals which mirror opiates and amphetamines. In many cases addiction has its roots from childhood trauma.
Like all addictions sex and love addiction is serious – its progressive – it kills.
Some how people laugh when sex and love addiction is mentioned and it has been said some say well if I were to have one addiction I would pick that. This stuff kills if it is not treated. Only last night I watched the film about Sylvia Plath’s life with Ted Hughes. A deeply distressing film where the relationship between these two incredibly talented poets ended in tragedy. She committed suicide and the woman he left Sylvia for also took her own life a few years later. For me, this was all untreated and at the time undiscovered sex and love addiction. Another example of this addiction, I feel, is Amy Winehouse and Blake again enmeshed with drugs and alcohol but untreated sex and love addiction I believe was lying underneath.
Giving up any addiction is difficult but it is said withdrawal from sex and love addiction is worse than heroin. It is the only 12 step fellowship to have a complete chapter on withdrawal. I have written this post to raise awareness about this very insidious, deadly, dangerous disease which is not yet really in mainstream life. If you think you could qualify as a sex and love addict then I urge you to reach out and not to suffer alone.
I work one to one with clients face to face or online. If you wish to start work with me then you can go to my bookings page and book a 6 session recovery package.
I also do healing retreats for those suffering with addiction and also work with and offer support for families and can work intense recovery for a matter of a week, weeks or month.
I am also available to give talks on to professionals and GPs and other organisations and individuals on request. I work from a holistic perspective using spiritual practices and lived experience and also use the experience of 12 step recovery.
For more information please WhatsApp me on 07379436082.
Suggestions for recovery – Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous – SLAA
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